New Year's Musings

I'm sorry.  I really am.

I think a lot.  I do.  Maybe too much.  Or maybe not enough.

Events and holidays always get me going more so.

As we adjust into 2014 I think about the people I've met in the last year or so.  My friends.  Companions.  Acquaintances.  Mentors.  Co-workers.  Associates.  On and on the list goes.  Everyone that's been in my life to some extent or another.  And many of these categories overlap.  But how close am I really with the entire "friend" category?

Doctor Who puts it best. (Yes, I like "Doctor Who" and reference it often. Get over it.)
"Friends? Is that the right word for the people you acquire?"

I feel like that sometimes.  Like I just acquire people.  Nonsense of course.  But still.  It haunts me at times.  I wonder, Can I really call them all my friends?  I think that term gets a bit overused these days.  Perhaps the ones we call "close friends" are the actual friends.  "Close friend" specifies what type of friend.  This I realize.  Or "True friend."  But if someone isn't a "true" friend, are they really a friend at all?  Yes.  Again.  More haunting.  It's not that I'm criticizing their part in our relationship, but rather my own.  That I'm not putting in all I should.  And yet, it takes two.  But that doesn't mean they aren't my friends.

I imagine how a conversation may go if I was ever to vocalize this line of thinking with someone.

Friend: I'm sorry we didn't invite you to that thing.
Me: Eh, no worries.  And it's my fault anyway.
Friend: Oh?
Me: I haven't really been in touch with a lot of them.  And I don't honestly know everyone that well.
 They're my friends sure.  But that's a rather large category.  To be honest, I hardly interact with most of them.  Maybe I'm not as good of a friend as I should be.  Maybe if I was, they would have invited me.
Friend: I'm sure it's not you.  And again, I do feel bad.
Me: I'm sorry if I'm making you feel that way.  I meant that perhaps I don't have any business calling them that if we aren't very close.  And you.  I don't know you very well either.  I'm not saying I don't think of you as one.  But when you think of your friends, do I pop into your head?
Friend:  Well of course.
Me: Really? I mean don't get me wrong, I'm honored.  But would you ever hang out with me? Just the two of us?  I want to.  I really do.
Friend: There are different kinds of friends.
Me: I know.  And I'm a surface friends to a lot of people.  And I don't want to be that.  But...I'm just as guilty of doing it as anyone else.  So I can't really complain.

This post kind of got away from me.

My friend in this scenario would be right.  There are different kinds of friends.  They serve different purposes.  You have your hang out friends and close friends and your nerdy friends and hobby friends and your work friends.  And on and on the list goes.  And many of these overlap.

Look at your friends right now.  How many of them do you keep in touch with?  Are they all someone you'd like to spend an afternoon with?  Are you neglecting someone?  Are you crowding someone else?  Are you trying to be closer than they'd like?  Maybe they just want a talk on facebook friendship and not a hangout one.  Or maybe they like spending time with you but aren't big on corresponding.

But I still feel like I'm missing something.  And I probably always will.  After all, we can't keep in contact with everyone.  I admire those that make an effort.  I wish I was better at it.  I wish I was just the perfect friend.  I know I'm not.  But I really appreciate the ones that stick around and put up with my anyway.

I'm sorry if this got really heavy.

Happy New Year.

Your's In Writing