Flash Forward

It's funny how fast life goes by. We say this all the time. I've written it here many times. At the time of my last post, some things were going great and others were not. And I prayed and gave them to God and they got better. This was not without stress and it didn't happen right away but it did happen.

A lot has happened since then: I've been at that same job for just over two years, I've moved out of my parents house and in with a couple friends, I acquired a SMART PHONE (WOOOOOO! Seriously, super exciting!) and I met the woman of my dreams. We've been dating 1 year, 4 months, and 13 days.

I've save that story for another post (I plan to start posting again, but we'll see how that goes). I know not a lot of people read this but that never really mattered. I forgot how therapeutic writing is. And not just writing but writing about me. That may sound narcissistic but it's hard to bare your soul and talk about the bad along with the good.

But I just wanted to say that while stress is never fully non existent, I have a lot to be thankful for and I feel truely blessed.

Your's In Writing

Fractured

And he was never the same again.

*insert frustrating emotion here*

I wish I had an explanation for what I'm feeling right now. The truth is the more I try to explain it, even to myself,  the more confusing it becomes.

There's a pit at the bottom of my stomach. I feel like a part of me is missing. We were just friends. Honest. That's not to say the friendship wasn't special. Because it was. And despite the last couple of months, I still think very highly of you. But I get attached to people. Long after they're done with me. I get attached to the idea of what was there. The romanticism of knowing another human being on a deeper level. A bad choice of words, perhaps, but I wrote them.

We haven't even been that close lately. Maybe that was it. I tried to force it back to it's origins. Maybe I'm just too much. Maybe I could go on forever wondering what I did wrong.

It's not that my mind never considered the possibility of something more. But it didn't seem possible, given the circumstances. And I was okay with that. But now...

If you ever read this...and you know who you are...I miss you more than I probably ought to. And I don't know what that means.

But I'm here if you ever change your mind. If you ever decide to talk to me again. Decide that you want me in your life after all.

And I want you to know something else. You can tell me absolutely anything. Anything. No matter what. Despite how I've been lately, and if you remember from when we did talk, I'm a pretty good listener.

But in case we don't ever talk again, may God lead you in your decisions. May you set out after your goals and dreams and reach higher than you ever imagined.

I hope you have a wonderful life.

And I hope you dance.

New Job!

I have a new job! It's exciting! Full time! Lot's of exclamation marks! OOOoooooOOOoooo!!!!!!!!!!

Some People

There are some people that come in to your lives, if only for a moment.

I should be able to get over it I suppose. I shouldn't need to care about it this much. But that's the trouble with being me. I'll care about everyone I've met, all the time, for the rest of my life. Will I think of them for all of that time? Of course not. Some people have a bigger impact on our lives than others. Not everyone sticks. But everyone does matter.

But there are some people that stick more than others. That have a bigger impact. Some people, I do think of a lot. Maybe not all the time. Maybe. But often enough I assure you. Some people are on my mind more often than I wish they were. People who have long given up on me by now, I'm sure. Who have...outgrown me. Or so it would seem.

And though I understand (I guess) I don't think I could ever let go of them. Or at the very least those moments long since gone where I was in their lives and they were in mine. They feel like a dreams now.

I wonder what they think of when they think of me.

Your's In Writing

Have I lost another one Lord?

Have I lost another one Lord?

Another fleeting thing that my heart runs after. That consumes my thoughts.

Please forgive my fickle heart. Forgive my tendency to run to the thing that pleases me now, if only for a short time.

Help me not chase after people with a motive of self satisfaction but out of Christian unconditional love. Help me make sure that the treasure my heart goes after and holds onto is you. That these other things that I want may be granted to me and the may not but that those things whether or not I have them not be the object of my affections.

Give me a new heart. One that longs and chases after you.

Amen

Let's get along now hmm?

What's this? I'm writing again? Again?

Why can't people just get along? I find it so mentally draining to maintain not getting along with someone. Either they refuse to get along with you, or you have a grudge against them. But to what end?

Sometimes people's personalities clash. That's a different matter. Still something to work on though.

We need patience for this.

Actually we need patience for both.

But the reason for my frustration (did I say I was frustrated?) is that it seems as though some people refuse to get along.

What good is it doing you? I understand that sometimes, there is something that the other person did that you need healing from. And no they don't always need to be in on your healing process. In fact it might be better if they aren't. I don't know.

But if you're going to treat someone as though they did you harm on a mental or emotional level, make sure they are aware of this. Because they might not be. They might not understand the thing they are being punished for.

If they didn't do anything wrong. If it's just you. Tell them that. Say it's nothing personal, it's just that you're a different person now. Who knows, the person might give you the space you need.

I don't know. I just notice a lot of "I have a problem with you but I'm not going to tell you why. Good luck figuring it out."

And I'm not innocent in this department. And I think that gives me the ability to talk and or vent about this. Because bottling it up doesn't help anyone. I promise.

This is at no one specific person. I'm not yelling at anyone. It's more of a call to action. As I said, I've been guilty party in this scenario I'm sure. So I can say that in the long run, it's just so very draining being on the receiving end of it as well as the giving end.

Your's In Writing

What the heck?

A lot can happen in a year. I registered a business name, but haven't done really anything with it yet. I worked at the local bowling alley for about six months. Got another part time job at a local radio station but we're in the down season now. I went to a bagillion weddings last summer. Okay, so like three. I've been on a Board of Directors for a couple years now and we finally own the theatre we were always trying to raise money to buy. I played Shroeder in "You're a Good Man Charlie Brown".  I wrote a book in November for NaNoWriMo (needs serious editing). I procrastinated working on video projects (still in progress). I dated a friend of mine for a couple months. I laughed. I cried.

Here's to living.

Apologetically, still very much,

Yours In Writing.

Respectful Bubble Popping

There are some people I've come across that just don't share a lot of themselves with other people. And that's understandable. Everyone is entitled to their privacy as well as an element of mystique. After all, not everyone would understand. We all walk different paths and are at different levels of maturity while we're on this planet but not everyone is able to come to terms with other people's walks.

Some of those people, when you become friends with them, show a little bit more of themselves. They trust you so they are more themselves around you. You're able to peel back the layers and see the "true them".

This seems to be shaky ground though. Because,  what if you're friends with someone but they're still standoffish. I could easily see someone putting up walls of protection because they've been hurt or misunderstood. And I could also easily see them putting up those walls but also wanting to see how far these friends of theirs will go to break them down...to see how much they care. How does that go? Good friends respect your space, best friends know they don't need to? Something like that.

So how do you know the difference between when do delve and when leave well enough alone?

If you ever figure that out, let me know.

Your's In Writing

To "date" or not to "date". That is the question.

I have this friend. I care about her. It doesn't matter how long I've known her. We have decent chemistry but not the best, but not terrible either. She isn't Christian but had a religious upbringing. And she isn't apposed to the idea of going to church or talking about God. And I'm fond of her.

So my problem is I'd like to date her but I'm going to marry a Christian. That's really important to me. It's all I have left. I lost my virginity in college and I said I'd wait till marriage.  I didn't. I wish I could take it back...sort of. I loved my girlfriend and I don't regret that. But I do wish I could say now that I waited. So all I have left now is marrying a Christian.

And she isn't one. But I want to date her. But I don't want to break our hearts down the road when we break it off because we want different things. Because I'm not going to force my faith on her. That's VERY wrong. Talking about it is good. But that's different.

Maybe I'm just reliving a regret. I had this other friend. Well, we're still friends. Very good friends actually. The kind of friends that could not talk for months...years...and pick right back up where we left off. And we have. Many times. And I'm so grateful for that. The problem is, where we left off was we almost dated. I said no because she wasn't a Christian. And I've regretted not giving it a chance. Ever since.

I saw into the future, I don't know how far, but I saw us having the conversation about faith and how I'm going to get married to a someone who shares my faith that Christ died for our sins and came back to life and those who believe that and live by that are going to heaven one day. And I wasn't a Christian. And I wasn't going to force her into that because that's wrong. That's not how that works. So I called it off then before it even started. And I wish I would have given it a chance.

We've talked since then, this other friend and I, and she's assured me we made the right decision. But I can't shake the notion that we were supposed to give it a chance and didn't.

"The one that got away."

And I've always regretted that. And maybe I always will. We don't always get over things you know. Sometime we just learn to live with them. With the regrets. Because they can help us learn and grow and not make the same mistakes in the future. Right? Right??

So here I am. Back 'round full circle. She's not Christian. And no, she isn't the other friend. I know that. I'm not trying to make up for that. Not with this anyway. But I also don't want to make that same mistake. Dating is about getting to know someone you're interested in. And it doesn't even have to be "dating". Going on a date is just that. You meet someone and you want to get to know them. So you go out to dinner (or something) and because chivalry isn't dead, the guy pays for the girl's meal and or whatever the entertainment is for the evening. Bowling is a fun time no matter how good or bad you are. No excuse. If you had a fun time, if you enjoyed yourself, you go again. Maybe you take it up a notch. A fancy dinner. Or you keep it light. Or you don't have time for that but you do want to keep getting to know them so you talk on the phone. And if not. If it didn't go the way you'd hoped all it was was a date. You go back to being friends (yes, you can) or acquaintances or whatever it is you both decide to be. One date does not a relationship make. Are we clear?

But I'm still afraid of that Ol' "well we might have to break up if things get real serious and the tides aren't a changing."

I am the hero and the saboteur.

We are our own worst enemies.

Your's In Writing

Pounding, Pounding, Pounding.

My heart is pounding. A million miles an hour. I feel completely crazy. Not a mentally stable neuron in that gray blob in my skull. And at the same time I feel the sanest I've ever felt.

Your's In Writing

Let It Go

I know telling people to "let it go" isn't necessarily the right thing because "how can we?"

But, at the same time, that's what we have to do.

Not forget. It's not the same.

In fact, I'd like to propose that we actually remember it more when we let it go. Because we remember that we've moved past it.

When we don't let it go, we forget.

We forget to live.

Communicating...easier said that done.

Get it?

It seems like a simple thing.  Tell someone how you fell, what you're thinking, why you disagree, why you think they're amazing, etc.

And it should be, but it isn't. Emotions get in the way: "I hope I don't offend them, I wonder what they'll do if I say something, will in ruin our friendship, etc.

Should I have called this post "etc."?

But actually it is easy.  We just get scared or second guess ourselves. Sometimes we think we're being a burden and don't want to put too much pressure on the other person. And sometimes we think "why bother? they wouldn't listen to me anyway..."

But things are better when we communicate. Yes, we might lose people but if they didn't understand, then what was your friendship based on? If they can't stay friends with you after you say what's on your mind then maybe they really didn't truly value your opinion in the first place.

Advice I'm sure I need to take.

And if they can't stay after you unload, maybe they shouldn't be in your life.  We need people in our lives that can handle us, that love us for who we are but also help us to change in the good ways rather than "try to change us."

We really do need to communicate more. All of us. All the time. Even if that we communicate that we don't want to talk about something right now.  Or that we do but we don't know how to say what we want to say.  Or if we are afraid of hurting someone's feelings, that we say that to them as well.  Give them the footnotes to what you want to say.  It's something and it shows that you do care and
that you want to have a communicative relationship. Even if, again, you just need to communicate to say that you don't feel like talking but that it doesn't mean you want to be alone.

Just something that's been on my mind.

Merry Christmas

I'm sorry

To all the friends who's relationships I've let go by the way side, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't cover it. But nothing ever can.

As we go into this new year, I'm not going to promise or resolve that I'll be better because I don't know that so will. But I will say that I never meant for it to be this way.

I'm alway here, I'm always ready to listen. I might not be there at that second but shoot me a text or email or Facebook message or give me a call and leave me a voice message if I don't pick up. I am pretty busy these days but not to busy for you. Never too busy.

Merry Christmas

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

I'm sorry that it has been a long while since last I wrote.  I guess this doesn't have to be so regular, just like a vlog doesn't have to be regular.  Sometimes people expect it to be and it really doesn't have to be.  Less pressure.

What are we thankful for this holiday season? I know even though it is a time of gladness and joy throughout the holidays, there is plenty of room for ungratefulness.  Terrible drivers made worse with adverse driving conditions. Impatient customers doing there holiday shopping. And so much more. There's a lot to be unthankful for.  But as I critique the faults of others in the rush of the season, it is out of an awareness of my own faults. I can and have been impatient on the road.  Or argue with my family when we're trying to spend time together.

Sin enters into the picture. Short fuses. Just one of many things that trip us up while we're trying to be "good". The sermon last Sunday touched on that point. To paraphrase, we can be "good" all we want but it should be out of a love for others, not out of a desire to "be good". Christ, who was and is good, who didn't sin died in our place.

So what am I thankful for this holiday season? That God takes me back even though I don't deserve it. Even though I deserve the death that Jesus died, through that, God sees us as good.

There was more  I wanted to say but my mind likes to travel and tangent.

Wherever you are and whatever you believe, let's all be thankful for each other.  Let us not be quick to anger.

Your's In Writing

Advice From The Professional On Marriage

I was at a wedding reception this past spring and one of the many things the couple had for us to do was take a sheet of fancy patterned paper titled "Advice from the professional on marriage" with these prompts on them followed by an ellipses (ex: "Always remember to...") and fill out what we thought would be good or what came to mind etc.

This is what I wrote down: Advice from the professional on marriage. 

Always remember to...hold hands. 

 Always tell your spouse...the truth. 

 Never forget to...Kiss: hello, goodbye, good morning and good night. 

 Never let...a day go by without saying I love you. 

 Always admit...when you're wrong. 

 Learn to love...the little things. 

 Love your parent, even when...you disagree with them. 

 May the both of you always...Keep God at the center. 

 My best advice for a lasting marriage is...Forgive each other as God forgave us. We are unconditionally loved.

When To Trust

As a christian, I both hear from others and say myself that all we need is God. And this is 100% true.  And where there are things that take us away from that, we are to realize that we don't need them that much. This is on a general level. Like if we don't have time in the day to read the Bible or something.  But if we're putting God as the foundation for everything we do that day, then we have time enough for God.

What I wanted to talk about (since I'm on a time crunch) is that sometimes we have desires and worries that get in the way of our time with God. We just need to remember that God has it all under control.  That doesn't mean that we just sit back and let life happen. That's not how it works. Not by a mile. But it DOES mean that as we live our life, what happens in our life is meant for us to learn grow from.  As long as we are keeping God as the foundation.  But what if our thoughts are out of that founded trust in God everyday. What if we have a thought or desire that no matter how much we say, "No God, I'm not going to worry or spend my time thinking about that, I know you've got it taken care of, the thought is persistent. It could be meant to distract us still. It could be a test of our faith. Just how strong is it and will we trust in God, even if we are emotionally beat with that desire or worry.

But what if that thought is from God. When we trust in God and put him at the foundation of our lives, and that though is still there, what if he's giving us that desire to strive towards. What if that desire is meant for us because he wants us to want that. What if that desire comes to fruition. Anywhere from the financially unwise and persistent desire for a motorcycle that birthed a ministry called Zero Gravity. What if it's for a job that doesn't make any sense. That people tell you won't work, but you just can't shake it.  But what if it's for a mate or thing or an event or an idea. These desires and concerns could map out the rest of your life.

We just have to ask ourselves if God is foundation. And pray a lot.  And trust God, that no matter what our desires are, he has a future in mind and knows the end result. And if we're trusting in God, that result is better than anything we could ever imagine. I know I'm looking forward to what he has in store for me.

Your's In Writing

The Song Of My Heart

I went for a much needed walk today. They're always needed. Some days more than others. But this was much needed. There's this particular song I like listening to. I identify with it for reasons I don't need to go into. I put the song on repeat, inserted the headphone buds into my hears and headed out.

Music is magical if you believe in that sort of thing. Or miraculous. Science would say it's psychological. In any case, it can invoke feelings in us that can be mood altering. Some people will try to say that a song is just a song. But I know better than that. Every song is a piece of someone or something. It's poetry. Music is expressive. Even those artists that sing other people's songs. Someone wrote that song, poured there heart and soul into that song. Yes there are lighthearted songs that maybe aren't that "deep" but even those are someone's thoughts, which are a part of them. So, every song is a piece of someone. And sometimes, that piece of someone connects or resonates with someone else.

That's what this song does with me. I listened to it on repeat as I walked around my neighborhood.  I let it soak in to my mind, to my soul. I stepped with the beat. The crash of the symbols, the dancing of the piano keys.  I knew people could see me as I moved wildly to the beat of a song they couldn't hear (but isn't life like that anyway?) but I didn't care. I arrived at my old elementary school and laid down in a piece of the playground equipment. I let the song finish one more time and then I stopped the music.
And then I read scripture.  The iPod has been wonderful for that. In places I normally wouldn't carry a Bible or have music to listen to or all these different things, it's all in one. So I read. Nothing in particular. Just whatever the suggested reading in the plan thing the app comes with.

The walk was much needed because I wasn't feeling quite wonderful. Well, okay, who ever does? But I was feeling particularly less not quite wonderful and was in need of some fresh air and solitude. But it turned out I needed that scripture even more. While the song made me feel "good" due to the lyrics or the beat or whatever, the scriptures made me feel better. There's just nothing like absorbing God's word. I listened to Christian music on the way back. It was remarkable what a stark difference I felt on this second half of my outing. Like two different versions of me.

It's all a reminder that God is what's most important in the end. Not people or things. Or expectations or dreams. These aren't bad by any means. They are often God given and should be cherished. But not depended upon. That burden is for God alone to to bare. And it's really not a burden for him.  He created us in need of him. That's the whole point.

We are imperfect and need the Savior to realign our hearts.

And to write the song of our hearts.

Your's In Writing

Don't You Dare

Every life is important from beginning to end. From conception to death. Every second of every day. Every life is precious. Don't you dare try to tell me any different. There is no such thing as not important or insignificant. Have you ever thought people would be better off without you? STOP IT. That's not for you to decide.  If you have that thought than just focus on yourself for a while. Spend some time with people you know will change your mind or just spend some alone time.  Whatever it is you need to get out of that mindset.  Find that thing that pulls you back.  God, family, a best friend.  For me it's all three, but in that order.

You are special. You are unique. You may share similarities with other people but there is only one person that is you.

Doctor Suess really said it best:

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

Don't rob the world of that.

Your's In Writing

A Work Out

Shoveling, without a doubt, is quite the workout.  Especially at about 32 degrees.

It's rewarding too.  Physical labor.  Or at least the results of said labor.  I never really like mowing the lawn but I always love the way it looks when I'm all done.  Nor do I cherish shoveling.  But having a path where there wasn't one before is very satisfying.  Though, I do appreciate the "work out" aspect of it.  A big reason why so many people are out of shape is because we don't work for a living.  At least a lot of us don't.  Many jobs these days lend themselves to being inside doing one or two things that aren't all that psychically demanding.  There are exceptions but most people aren't out working on farms or cutting down trees for firewood or "hunting and gathering".

I need to actually work out.  I may very well get a gym membership or see about working out at the gym where I went to high school.  But waiting to do that is no excuse.  I can run outside if I dress right.  I can do pushups or whatever else in my room.  I can stretch anywhere.  And I can starting eating better anytime.

So why don't I?

May this will be something else I'll do differently in the new year.  After all, I've started a vlog, I'm working on video projects (even if they are from last year) and I've got a new lease on life.  This is a new year.  A new me.

I don't know who I'm changing into, this new me, but I'm looking forward to finding out.