A Rant

I wanted to rant about people and flirting too much but this just isn't going to go there.

Instead, I'm going to talk about communication and how some people suck at it.  Seriously.  If something is bothering you, tell the person.

From the negative...
Could you please stop chewing with your mouth open.
Pick your clothes up off the floor.
Look, there's something we need to talk about.

To the positive...
Hey, I think you're cool, we should hang out.
I like what you've got on today.
Thank you for being a great friend, you're more than I deserve and I'm thankful for having you in my life.

To the in between...
I'm uncomfortable with this situation.
I don't really feel welcome here.
I'd really like some time by myself for a bit.  It's nothing against you, I just want some "me" time.

For some reason, we don't do well with confrontation of any kind.  We don't want to be viewed as stuck up, a suck up, or anywhere in between that might have a negative connotation.  So we just don't even try.  But the ironic thing is that through our inactivity we are can often be viewed either as the stereotypes that we are trying to avoid or as the exact oposite of the spectrum which isn't any better.

But it's just so important for us to communicate.  See we sometimes don't feel comfortable communicating with people we barely know.  But in truth, it's impossible to get to know someone until you begin to communicate with them.  Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and be uncomfortable.  And work past it.  Can it suck for those of us who don't have a natural talent at opening up to people? Yes.  But too bad.

Quit being sissies (including myself) and get out there and communicate!  Open up to people.

That's all I've got.

Petrichor

I work at a bookstore now!  So exciting!  I've been at it around a month now.  I told myself I was going to keep track exactly the day I started.  But just like a lot of other things I tell myself I'm going to do and or keep track of, I didn't.

Something I'll have to work on.

Two of my shifts are closing shifts.  In my head, they are the most stressful.  There's a lot involved, twice as much as opening.  I enjoy both but it's pressure.  But this job feels right.  Working in a bookstore.  It just feels right.

Anyway...

I love the smell in the air after rain.  "Petrichor."  According to doctor who it's the smell of dust after rain.  Wikipedia says it's the smell of the earth.  I don't know :P  But it smells wonderful and it smelled like that last night when I got home from work after closing.  It reminds me of so many other times it smelled like that.  Of my childhood.  Of summer.  When I was getting done with work, I heard a hissing noise that took me a bit to register as rain.  I looked out the window and sure enough...  It was odd because it was really warm all day.  And here it was raining.  REALLY raining.  I locked up and made a bee line for the van, passing a couple of kids in the car next to mine that may or may not have been involved in, well, each other.  The desire to be as dry as possible was stronger than any curiosity I had.  The last part of the closing shift entails driving to the bank to the night deposite.  As I did this, it continued to pour.  But as I drove home it started to lighten up.  By the time I pulled up next to my house, it had nearly stopped, only the lightest of rains remained.  And as I stepped out of the vehicle, petrichor hit my nostrils.

It's a subtle reminder that no matter the unexpected storms that life throws your way, something beautiful will always follow.

Your's In Writing

With Great Power...

How do I start this?

I'm changing.  For the better I'm sure.  I hope.

I'm learning and relearning so many things.  And one thing has become abundantly clear: everyone has a dark side.  The problem with being empathetic is that yours is a reflection of others as well as your own ghosts.

And being able to sense things.  Not like a psychic or anything.  But being able to understand certain situations and attitudes and read between the lines.

It's frustrating when you can help and that person won't let you.  You don't know why, or how.  You just know you can.  You can feel it as deep as the marrow in your bones.  You know it to be true.  And you are resisted at nearly every turn.

Nearly every turn.  But not all.

So where is it?  My way in?  What's the key?

With great power comes great responsibility. A movie quote, yes.  But a good one.  To paraphrase something that someone else told me, if you have the ability to do something [in a helping sense], then you also have the responsibility to do it.  If you can [help] then you should.

But how do I help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

Why am I changing - gaining an understanding of these abilities - if I can't even use them?

All in good time I trust.  But the waiting is killing me.

Your's In Writing

Waiting For Trust

It hurts.  I broke your trust.  I know.  And it will be a while before we are anywhere back to where we were before.  I know our friendship will never be the same.  I just mean the level of trust.  Today was a start though.  Still, when you avoid answering some things I ask...I know I broke your trust but does that mean that you stop acting trustworthy toward me? And when you don't answer...or hesitate...it makes me thing the answer is "no".  I know there are things you don't want to talk about.  Maybe never talk about.  But help me build my trust back.  Help me be someone that you will never avoid answering a question from.  You might hurt my feelings with the answer but I want to know the truth.  I want to know where I stand.  You want space?  I give you space (I know how to do that now).  You want a listening ear, then that' what I am.  I'll try to keep other conversation topics for a different time. I'm sorry I did that today.  I made it about me, and it was supposed to be about you.  So I am truly sorry for that.  I'm learning, I'm getting there, and waiting for me to figure it out will be worth it I assure you.

And I'm sure I'm making it worse.  If you read this.  I just...this is how I vent.  When I can't talk about things...I don't want to be "that guy" on Facebook making all the statuses and posts about how sad I am. I'm sure I will at some point but I'll try and keep them to a minimun, because I realize how depressing that could be for you, and I know that's the last thing you need.

Help me know what to do to get back your trust.  No matter how long it takes.  But in your own time.  I cherish your friendship a whole lot, and I never want to mess that up again.

Anyway...I don't know...my brain stopped.  Goodnight.

Yours In Writing

It's a brand new day! :)

I messed up.

I know that sentence is contradictory from the smiley face in the title.  But it will make sense when you are done reading this.

Basically you can ignore the previous post.  It's pretty much true but I didn't say it the right way. So if you haven't then you really don't need to bother.

THIS post though.  This one is going to be amazing.

I would like to tell you a story...

The november before last, I met a pretty cool person.  But I didn't know it at the time.  I re-met her the following summer.  That was a summer ago.  We hung out, we shared some struggles, and we became close.  Since then, I have upset her, and I have made her laugh, and I have probably made her cry though I'd be surprised...honored...but surprised if she ever admitted that to me.  But we have been fantastic friends.

Recently, she confided in me.  And I mean this was the confiding of ALL confiding.   And I broke her trust.  I had my reasons...I didn't know what to do, I was worried, and I hadn't ever dealt with anything like that before.  But, I was still in the wrong.  And for that I will forever be sorry.  It will be with me for the rest of my days.  And she may forgive me tomorrow and we will all be peachy again, or she may never fully forgive me, or anything in between.  And I pray to God that I can build that trust back up again.

All this aside.  I have learned some things.  Some amazing, wonderful, sad, happy, beautiful things.

One thing I have learned is when a dear friend tells you they need space, give it to them.  They may actually need that space and you thinking they "need" comfort could actually be stressing them out more.  Or they actually do need comfort even though they say they don't.  If the second is true, still give it to them.  Because they need to figure that out on their own and they will come to you when they do.

Something else I learned was that people, even friends, will lie to you on occasion.  Don't be mad at them, they have their reasons wrong or right.  Just be standing by for them when they are ready to tell you the truth.  Because whether or not they do tell you the truth, what's important is that they understand that you aren't upset at them for it.  Hurt? Yes.  But, are still there for them just the same.

I also learned that there is so much power that comes with believing in yourself and in others.  Sometimes you get let down but that just builds a tough outer shell.  Without that, we would be broken. We need that.  And just because there is that tough outer shell, doesn't mean that we aren't soft on the inside.  Because love...true, unconditional caring for someone...wins out in the end.

There is more. A LOT more.  But I need to be getting to sleep.  So let me leave you with this.  Regardless of where my friendship with this person goes - no matter what road it takes - my life has truly been changed.  I owe this friend more than I could ever repay her.  So to her, I say thank you.  I hope that when it counts, I have positively impacted you're life, even remotely to the way you have  positively impacted mine.

And may there be many more wonderful days to come!

Yours In Writing

This May Be Angsty

A friend of mine...she's going through some things.  I've been there for her to help, albeit an undesired help at times.  But in my experience, it's when people don't want help that they need it the most.  So when I tried to help anyway, and it turned out that she really did just need some alone time and I may have been adding to what she was feeling.  Well, let me tell you I didn't feel very good :/

I've come to think of her as a little sister.  Or at least I tried too.  There was something there before, and we both acknowledged it but decided it was best not to peruse it.  And so we've both moved on.  Or so I thought.  I honestly hope she doesn't read this but I think there are still some unresolved feelings that she won't admit too.  I suspect this because it is the same for me.  I finally admitted that to myself today.

It's not that I want her to feel this way.  I hope she is over it.  But I suspect she isn't.  Nevertheless, even if she isn't over it, it's clearly not something that would make her happy as she is suppressing them so as not to have to think about it.

...and maybe it's best if she doesn't.  At least for now.  A part of me wants to figure this out with her.  "Yes I still feel that way but it's too hard, it will never work.  I will never stop feeling that way but it isn't good for either of us.

(I don't like the way I wrote any of that but that's how it came out.  I'm sorry.  I'm going attempt to sleep now.)

Your's In Writing

P.s.  Ironically, today was a really good day.

Happy 60th Posting. Maybe not happy.

I put off my 60th posting because I wanted it to be cool.  I wanted it to be something awesome.  I story, or a poem, or even just...I don't know.  And now, because I put it off, it's going to be sad.  I guess that's a lesson not to put things off.  Because when you have expectations of something, you build it up.  You get excited.  Some times, most of the excitement is in the anticipation.  And then when you get to the thing...it's not what you'd thought.

That's not always the case.  But here it is.

When will I learn not to put people up on pedestals? Jesus is the only human that belongs there. Because he was not only 100% human, but 100% God as well.  I know that doesn't make sense to a lot of people.  Admittedly, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either.  But faith allows me to accept that whether I understand that or not.

And it's not bad to put your faith in other things.  Not entirely.  We put faith a chair when we sit on it.  We trust that it's not going to collaps underneath us.  And we put faith in our food, that it's not going to make us sick.  Maybe those aren't the best examples.  I think the point is made though.  And we put our faith in people too.  In our friends and family that they will always be there.

One of my worst fears is that I will an annoyance and a burden to the people I care about.  Don't worry, I'm not going to check out early. God put me on this earth and when, and only when, God decides to take me home is when I'll go.  In the mean time, I'm here to stay.  But sometimes I feel like some of the people I care about, when I try to help them, I make it worse.  I would never do anything to hurt my friends.  Not intentionally.  And anything I say in the form of advice or opinion is not direction.  I don't have all the answers.  But I do comment on what I observe.  And if you've been there for me, I'll be darned if I'm not going to be there for you.

I don't know.  There's more but I could go on and on for a while and I would just be repeating myself.

Bottom line, I care about you, I will always be there for you.  I might judge you momentarily, but that's out of my own faults.  When it counts, my arms are always open and my shoulder is always free. And my ear is always listening. And you will forever be in my heart.  We may grow apart at times, and we may not always be able to talk.  And we may have a falling out and it may seem like we aren't friends anymore but an apology for the time lapsed, a conversation and some happy tears, and we're back in business.  Because once you're a friend of mine, you're one for life.

Your's In Writing