Happy Hallow-- I mean Thanksgiving...almost...

Yikes, I did it again.  Also, I have been fairly busy.  Though that's really just an excuse.  I always have time to at least post a few sentences.  But time just gets away from me.

A lot has happened.

I've taken a few trips which I'll want to blog about soon.  I'm in a play.  The Christmas Carol.  It's NOT a musical version...ugh.  But it should still be fun.

I'm not feeling particularly philisophical today.  and I spelled "philosophical" wrong.

One of the trips I went to was a Christian Men's Conference.  I'll blog more about it later but I wanted to mention it to bring up that it's had me thinking on a few things and reflecting and whatnot.  I'm getting to dependent on what people think of me.  I feel like I care too much about other people's opinion of me and why they will or won't hang out with me or ask for my help or accept my comforting them.  I feel like I'm being too selfish and making it about me.  Like i'm putting the focus on people and status instead of on God.  But then, didn't God make me to care about others?  I'm not always great at it but didn't God give me the ability to have empathy for others, to care about others?  And doesn't that include what other people think?  I also have this desire to resolve conflict.  That's gotta be from God.  And i feel that people thinking ill of me or thinking i'm annoying or whatever my self conscious...self...thinks up is a conflict in a way and I want to solve it.  But I might be applying this desire of mine that God gave me in the wrong way.  Am I being selfish with a Gift?  I don't know.  But I want to be there for others and help people and I know SO MANY people really do like me a lot.  I know this.  But for some reason I get tripped up.  I read into things.  I wonder what people are thinking.  Maybe God will help me to hone that in time.  To understand how that works and to use it to Glorify Him and not me.

Goodnight.

Heartbreak

Heartbreak.

Not "high school crush" heartbreak, or "you made a comment and I took it the wrong way" heartbreak but true, deep, soul wracking heart break.

When you let yourself go.  When you completely trust someone.  When you let someone in.  And then they get ripped away from you.

Not necessarily in a romantic way either.  Though that hurts too.  But it's not the kind of love it is.  It's just love in general.  In this case, it's family love.  I don't have any siblings, but once in a while, friends will take that role.

Most recently, someone came into my life I am able to call "sister".  I let myself go completely.  And now, we may not be allowed to see each other for a while.  And my heart hurts.

At the end of the day, I have God.  But that doesn't mean I'm not going to hurt, just that He will help me through it.  And I pray that I can see my "sister" again soon!

A Fairy Tale

I started watching Once Upon A Time a while back, but ran out of episodes on Netflix.  Just recently they added the second season.  So I watched the first two episodes.  That's probably part of the cause for my insomnia.

Another favorite show of mine is Warehouse 13.  I'm sad their ending it.  But the concept, if you aren't familiar with it, is that there are these objects called artifacts that have powers imbued into them.  Some thing that someone had while they went through some emotional ordeal and all that emotion is poured into that object.  As a result, the object is able to do something having to do with the emotion. It is given a power or an ability.

In both cases, as well as many others, power is tied to emotion.  This is true in the real world as well.  In the first instance, we have a different kind of power.  We can speak well in front of large groups or make a beautiful painting, or build a house, or write a story.  They go on and on.  A mixture of talents (natural abilities) and skills (abilities we acquire).  But the things that we can do, especially our natural abilities, are very much tied to our emotions.

And also with the second instance, we create emotional ties to things.  Sentimentality.  Things hold memories.   Bonds.

I have an object.  I won't say what it is.  But I will say that signifies a pivotal moment in my life.  The end of an era.   And it also serves as a foundation what the next era that came out of that.  This object is everything that was and will be and could have been.  It is the essence of the particular situation I'm referring to that I'm being overly vague about.

The point is, it's almost as if this object is an artifact.  I wouldn't think so but something happened a while back when I interacted with the object for the first time since the instance.  And then again the second time which was a large space in between.  After it first happened a waited awhile before trying to interact with it again.  But it did it again.  I began to feel different.  My body tingled.  I let go as soon as I could bring myself to (like when you're being electrocuted and it hurts but you can't let go.  When I was no longer touching the object, the feeling stopped.  Was it an artifact?  Was it just my imagination? The mind IS a powerful thing.  And memories are connected to sights and smells and sensations.  Maybe it was just me feeling the object that was bringing back memories of how I used to feel?  But that was a different feeling than this one.  I couldn't explain it.  Can't explain it.  Just imagine.  And wonder.

There was a third time, It didn't feel the same.  I had told a couple people.  And after this, the feeling didn't come.  But I did start to act only slightly different.  Maybe it didn't effect me because I'm stronger.  Or maybe It was because I'm not strong enough.  Maybe it effected me more than i realize, and that the tingling was me fighting back.  And now there's no fight?  It was definitely after I told two people how I felt about it though.  One was involved in the situation and the other had observed it and was there for me and I knew would relate.

I could go on and on but I won't because the desire for sleep is beginning to crawl back into where it should be.  So I'll leave with this.  I think our brains, are capable of WAY more than we even acknowledge.  And maybe sounds and sights and smells and memories can change us.  Maybe not with special powers but in a way, we a power from within us.

There's more I want to say but sleep has found me.  Goodnight.

Your's In Writing

Insomnia The Fourth.

Do you believe in magic?  With all the stories of wizards and vampires of today, and with all the fairy tales of our youth, having it all thrown at us...it makes one wonder.

I believe in God.  I believe he created all things.  I believe the world was spoken into existence.  The cosmos in all their complexity.  Down to the smallest form of anything.  An Atom.  A Quark.  A Planck Length.

By the way, go to this website: http://htwins.net/scale2/.  It starts you out at us.  Go to the right and you get bigger.  To the left, smaller.  All the way to the left is a Planck Length.  I'll let you go there and click on it for the explanation for what it is because I read it and I still don't know.

I believe God created all this.  Sure, man has named these things.  But God made these things so.

So if I have to pick between the two, well there's no question as to what that choice is.

But what if I didn't have to choose.  With God, all things are possible.  Now I'm not suggesting that there really is magic in the world.  At least not the way we, as a world, has defined it.  But what is magic in the stories we write?  A power we don't understand.  An unseen force that allows those that posses it to do things that they themselves would not normally be able to do.

Christ performed many miracles in the Bible.  What is a miracle?  It's a thing that is done with a force or power that mere humans don't understand.  To me that sounds wonderful.  To me, that sounds like magic.

Whether the Weather.

It has been really quite nice out.  It's a shame I've only gone swimming once so far.  I know this is old news but it's remarkable how fast the summer is going.  I was looking forward to it being like this and now...  Why aren't I out there right at this moment?  I'll go out in a bit.

But it's always "in a bit".  Or "later".  Sometimes, I feel like the king of procrastination.  I'll read my Bible later.  I'll edit all those videos later.  I'll do the laundry later.  I'll go out and mow the lawn in a bit. Even relaxing and going outside to go for a walk or a bike ride.  Later.  And I get in this rut of "oh poor me, I can't do it.  Why am I so lazy?  Yadah yadah yadah."  It makes me sad that I'm so "meh" a lot of the time.  But I keep forgetting that I don't have to try and get out of that rut on my own.  I have an ever-loving, all-knowing, God to help me.  He wants me to enjoy his creation.  To be happy.  He wants me to be productive.  But ultimately he wants me to look to Him to do it.  To be satisfied in Him.

"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him." - John Piper.

This is true Joy.  When we delight in the things that God intended for us and in the way he intended for us to them, we feel this Joy.  A semi-recent sermon I heard at church helped clarify this point.  We may feel "happy" at times via things of this world and the way this world enjoys them.  But it is a temporary happiness that will fade and leave us feeling with a nagging emptiness.  A sense of longing.  God needs to be the reason.  Or at least, in every reason.

With Him, we go be out in his creation, and be productive and take care of the things God has given us.

And enjoy the weather.

Your's In Writing

All In Good Timing

        Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.  Tick.
        Kyle had just woken up.  His watch was on the nightstand, inches away from his ear. 
        A deep breath.
        Here we go again.  Another day.
        He wasn’t sure if he could do this much longer.  If it weren’t for God, he knew he wouldn’t have the strength to do it at all.  But even with abilities outside of himself, this was quite difficult.
        Being an Empath means feeling what other people feel, regardless of if they explain it to you or not.  Regardless of if you understand it or not.  It means feeling intense emotions: someone else’s in addition to your own.
        Kyle had asked for this.  He had prayed.  And then he forgot about it.  Like a lot of other things he’d prayed for in the past.  In moments of self-doubt he would ask for talents, for gifts, for abilities.  And then things would get better and he’d realize he didn’t need all those things.  The way he was made was more than good enough.  And he’d forget about it.  And eventually, when he wasn’t expecting it nor was he prepared for it, he’d get what he had asked for.
        This was one of those things—to be able to understand other people’s minds.  Not to read them.
        That’s crazy, Kyle thought to himself.
        Just to understand them.
        And now he could.  It had been developing for a while, he realized.  Before he had even asked for it. 
        Little things before like thinking along the same lines as someone.  Coming to the same conclusion they did at the same time.  Being in the mood for the same food as other people in the group. 
        But now it was more.  Shared feelings.  Emotions.  Maybe a touch of persuasion.  Was it magic?  Psychic energy?  Or was it just intuition…a logical train of thinking being able to arrive at conclusions that other people have because well, it’s the logical conclusion.  And there could be explanations for everything else as well.  But maybe there didn’t need to be.  Just like we can explain how birth happens and the creation of life, but that doesn’t negate that it’s a miracle from God. 
        He no longer believed in chance or coincidence.
        Serendipity.  Destiny.  God’s timing.
        There were accidents, yes.  And tragedies.  Unfortunate acts of nature that took people’s lives.  There was terrorism and crime that ran rampant.  But with the individual person’s life?  Everything was connected. 
        And Kyle saw it.  He felt time ticking away, like his watch.  He saw the connections everywhere.  For example, Person A met Person B because Kyle brought “B” somewhere that “A” worked at.   It was all connected.  And Kyle meeting “A” in the first place?  It was a meeting that seemed planned, being at the right place at the right time.
        But not everyone is ready for this awareness—the people around those that have it.  And when it is shared.  When it is used.  People can be uneasy.  But with this awareness, if it is truly from God, comes patience.  And it is strongly needed.
        Kyle didn’t know what his purpose was for having this gift if those that he thought he was meant to help rejected it.  And then he was stuck feeling what they felt, plus his own rejection.  Plus the horror of not being able to help, watching someone suffer and being able to do nothing.
        He had asked for this.
        And now he had it.
        He prayed once more.  “God, please show me how to wield, whatever this is.  Teach me when to step in and when to step away, despite what other people say.  Help me to understand that I am helping, even though it feels sometimes like I’m making it worse. Amen.”
        Another deep breath.
        Kyle showered and got dressed.  Then went outside, squinting from the bright day that it was.
        “Alright.  Let’s do this.”

A Rant

I wanted to rant about people and flirting too much but this just isn't going to go there.

Instead, I'm going to talk about communication and how some people suck at it.  Seriously.  If something is bothering you, tell the person.

From the negative...
Could you please stop chewing with your mouth open.
Pick your clothes up off the floor.
Look, there's something we need to talk about.

To the positive...
Hey, I think you're cool, we should hang out.
I like what you've got on today.
Thank you for being a great friend, you're more than I deserve and I'm thankful for having you in my life.

To the in between...
I'm uncomfortable with this situation.
I don't really feel welcome here.
I'd really like some time by myself for a bit.  It's nothing against you, I just want some "me" time.

For some reason, we don't do well with confrontation of any kind.  We don't want to be viewed as stuck up, a suck up, or anywhere in between that might have a negative connotation.  So we just don't even try.  But the ironic thing is that through our inactivity we are can often be viewed either as the stereotypes that we are trying to avoid or as the exact oposite of the spectrum which isn't any better.

But it's just so important for us to communicate.  See we sometimes don't feel comfortable communicating with people we barely know.  But in truth, it's impossible to get to know someone until you begin to communicate with them.  Sometimes you just have to take the plunge and be uncomfortable.  And work past it.  Can it suck for those of us who don't have a natural talent at opening up to people? Yes.  But too bad.

Quit being sissies (including myself) and get out there and communicate!  Open up to people.

That's all I've got.

Petrichor

I work at a bookstore now!  So exciting!  I've been at it around a month now.  I told myself I was going to keep track exactly the day I started.  But just like a lot of other things I tell myself I'm going to do and or keep track of, I didn't.

Something I'll have to work on.

Two of my shifts are closing shifts.  In my head, they are the most stressful.  There's a lot involved, twice as much as opening.  I enjoy both but it's pressure.  But this job feels right.  Working in a bookstore.  It just feels right.

Anyway...

I love the smell in the air after rain.  "Petrichor."  According to doctor who it's the smell of dust after rain.  Wikipedia says it's the smell of the earth.  I don't know :P  But it smells wonderful and it smelled like that last night when I got home from work after closing.  It reminds me of so many other times it smelled like that.  Of my childhood.  Of summer.  When I was getting done with work, I heard a hissing noise that took me a bit to register as rain.  I looked out the window and sure enough...  It was odd because it was really warm all day.  And here it was raining.  REALLY raining.  I locked up and made a bee line for the van, passing a couple of kids in the car next to mine that may or may not have been involved in, well, each other.  The desire to be as dry as possible was stronger than any curiosity I had.  The last part of the closing shift entails driving to the bank to the night deposite.  As I did this, it continued to pour.  But as I drove home it started to lighten up.  By the time I pulled up next to my house, it had nearly stopped, only the lightest of rains remained.  And as I stepped out of the vehicle, petrichor hit my nostrils.

It's a subtle reminder that no matter the unexpected storms that life throws your way, something beautiful will always follow.

Your's In Writing

With Great Power...

How do I start this?

I'm changing.  For the better I'm sure.  I hope.

I'm learning and relearning so many things.  And one thing has become abundantly clear: everyone has a dark side.  The problem with being empathetic is that yours is a reflection of others as well as your own ghosts.

And being able to sense things.  Not like a psychic or anything.  But being able to understand certain situations and attitudes and read between the lines.

It's frustrating when you can help and that person won't let you.  You don't know why, or how.  You just know you can.  You can feel it as deep as the marrow in your bones.  You know it to be true.  And you are resisted at nearly every turn.

Nearly every turn.  But not all.

So where is it?  My way in?  What's the key?

With great power comes great responsibility. A movie quote, yes.  But a good one.  To paraphrase something that someone else told me, if you have the ability to do something [in a helping sense], then you also have the responsibility to do it.  If you can [help] then you should.

But how do I help someone who doesn't want to be helped?

Why am I changing - gaining an understanding of these abilities - if I can't even use them?

All in good time I trust.  But the waiting is killing me.

Your's In Writing

Waiting For Trust

It hurts.  I broke your trust.  I know.  And it will be a while before we are anywhere back to where we were before.  I know our friendship will never be the same.  I just mean the level of trust.  Today was a start though.  Still, when you avoid answering some things I ask...I know I broke your trust but does that mean that you stop acting trustworthy toward me? And when you don't answer...or hesitate...it makes me thing the answer is "no".  I know there are things you don't want to talk about.  Maybe never talk about.  But help me build my trust back.  Help me be someone that you will never avoid answering a question from.  You might hurt my feelings with the answer but I want to know the truth.  I want to know where I stand.  You want space?  I give you space (I know how to do that now).  You want a listening ear, then that' what I am.  I'll try to keep other conversation topics for a different time. I'm sorry I did that today.  I made it about me, and it was supposed to be about you.  So I am truly sorry for that.  I'm learning, I'm getting there, and waiting for me to figure it out will be worth it I assure you.

And I'm sure I'm making it worse.  If you read this.  I just...this is how I vent.  When I can't talk about things...I don't want to be "that guy" on Facebook making all the statuses and posts about how sad I am. I'm sure I will at some point but I'll try and keep them to a minimun, because I realize how depressing that could be for you, and I know that's the last thing you need.

Help me know what to do to get back your trust.  No matter how long it takes.  But in your own time.  I cherish your friendship a whole lot, and I never want to mess that up again.

Anyway...I don't know...my brain stopped.  Goodnight.

Yours In Writing

It's a brand new day! :)

I messed up.

I know that sentence is contradictory from the smiley face in the title.  But it will make sense when you are done reading this.

Basically you can ignore the previous post.  It's pretty much true but I didn't say it the right way. So if you haven't then you really don't need to bother.

THIS post though.  This one is going to be amazing.

I would like to tell you a story...

The november before last, I met a pretty cool person.  But I didn't know it at the time.  I re-met her the following summer.  That was a summer ago.  We hung out, we shared some struggles, and we became close.  Since then, I have upset her, and I have made her laugh, and I have probably made her cry though I'd be surprised...honored...but surprised if she ever admitted that to me.  But we have been fantastic friends.

Recently, she confided in me.  And I mean this was the confiding of ALL confiding.   And I broke her trust.  I had my reasons...I didn't know what to do, I was worried, and I hadn't ever dealt with anything like that before.  But, I was still in the wrong.  And for that I will forever be sorry.  It will be with me for the rest of my days.  And she may forgive me tomorrow and we will all be peachy again, or she may never fully forgive me, or anything in between.  And I pray to God that I can build that trust back up again.

All this aside.  I have learned some things.  Some amazing, wonderful, sad, happy, beautiful things.

One thing I have learned is when a dear friend tells you they need space, give it to them.  They may actually need that space and you thinking they "need" comfort could actually be stressing them out more.  Or they actually do need comfort even though they say they don't.  If the second is true, still give it to them.  Because they need to figure that out on their own and they will come to you when they do.

Something else I learned was that people, even friends, will lie to you on occasion.  Don't be mad at them, they have their reasons wrong or right.  Just be standing by for them when they are ready to tell you the truth.  Because whether or not they do tell you the truth, what's important is that they understand that you aren't upset at them for it.  Hurt? Yes.  But, are still there for them just the same.

I also learned that there is so much power that comes with believing in yourself and in others.  Sometimes you get let down but that just builds a tough outer shell.  Without that, we would be broken. We need that.  And just because there is that tough outer shell, doesn't mean that we aren't soft on the inside.  Because love...true, unconditional caring for someone...wins out in the end.

There is more. A LOT more.  But I need to be getting to sleep.  So let me leave you with this.  Regardless of where my friendship with this person goes - no matter what road it takes - my life has truly been changed.  I owe this friend more than I could ever repay her.  So to her, I say thank you.  I hope that when it counts, I have positively impacted you're life, even remotely to the way you have  positively impacted mine.

And may there be many more wonderful days to come!

Yours In Writing

This May Be Angsty

A friend of mine...she's going through some things.  I've been there for her to help, albeit an undesired help at times.  But in my experience, it's when people don't want help that they need it the most.  So when I tried to help anyway, and it turned out that she really did just need some alone time and I may have been adding to what she was feeling.  Well, let me tell you I didn't feel very good :/

I've come to think of her as a little sister.  Or at least I tried too.  There was something there before, and we both acknowledged it but decided it was best not to peruse it.  And so we've both moved on.  Or so I thought.  I honestly hope she doesn't read this but I think there are still some unresolved feelings that she won't admit too.  I suspect this because it is the same for me.  I finally admitted that to myself today.

It's not that I want her to feel this way.  I hope she is over it.  But I suspect she isn't.  Nevertheless, even if she isn't over it, it's clearly not something that would make her happy as she is suppressing them so as not to have to think about it.

...and maybe it's best if she doesn't.  At least for now.  A part of me wants to figure this out with her.  "Yes I still feel that way but it's too hard, it will never work.  I will never stop feeling that way but it isn't good for either of us.

(I don't like the way I wrote any of that but that's how it came out.  I'm sorry.  I'm going attempt to sleep now.)

Your's In Writing

P.s.  Ironically, today was a really good day.

Happy 60th Posting. Maybe not happy.

I put off my 60th posting because I wanted it to be cool.  I wanted it to be something awesome.  I story, or a poem, or even just...I don't know.  And now, because I put it off, it's going to be sad.  I guess that's a lesson not to put things off.  Because when you have expectations of something, you build it up.  You get excited.  Some times, most of the excitement is in the anticipation.  And then when you get to the thing...it's not what you'd thought.

That's not always the case.  But here it is.

When will I learn not to put people up on pedestals? Jesus is the only human that belongs there. Because he was not only 100% human, but 100% God as well.  I know that doesn't make sense to a lot of people.  Admittedly, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me either.  But faith allows me to accept that whether I understand that or not.

And it's not bad to put your faith in other things.  Not entirely.  We put faith a chair when we sit on it.  We trust that it's not going to collaps underneath us.  And we put faith in our food, that it's not going to make us sick.  Maybe those aren't the best examples.  I think the point is made though.  And we put our faith in people too.  In our friends and family that they will always be there.

One of my worst fears is that I will an annoyance and a burden to the people I care about.  Don't worry, I'm not going to check out early. God put me on this earth and when, and only when, God decides to take me home is when I'll go.  In the mean time, I'm here to stay.  But sometimes I feel like some of the people I care about, when I try to help them, I make it worse.  I would never do anything to hurt my friends.  Not intentionally.  And anything I say in the form of advice or opinion is not direction.  I don't have all the answers.  But I do comment on what I observe.  And if you've been there for me, I'll be darned if I'm not going to be there for you.

I don't know.  There's more but I could go on and on for a while and I would just be repeating myself.

Bottom line, I care about you, I will always be there for you.  I might judge you momentarily, but that's out of my own faults.  When it counts, my arms are always open and my shoulder is always free. And my ear is always listening. And you will forever be in my heart.  We may grow apart at times, and we may not always be able to talk.  And we may have a falling out and it may seem like we aren't friends anymore but an apology for the time lapsed, a conversation and some happy tears, and we're back in business.  Because once you're a friend of mine, you're one for life.

Your's In Writing

A Golden Oldie

I feel old.  It was my birthday last month.  January 23rd.  I turned 24.  Last year, as I'm sure you can deduce on your own, was my Golden Birthday.  It was something that I had looked forward to for as long as I knew what a "golden birthday" was.  And now it's gone, as is all the time before it.  And I feel old.  We spend a large part of our lives in anticipation of something, our birthday, a holiday, the weekend, hanging out with a friend, even just the end of the day.  We do this so much, we often forget to enjoy the moments we are in. And before you know it, you're old.  Did I mention I feel old?  I know I'm not.  But this is the oldest I've been.  My entire life has led up to this moment, typing my thoughts on this laptop.  I'm not saying it's been for this.  But each day helps build you and prepares you for the next.  And this is where I am at this moment.

Though I wish I would have enjoyed the moments more and held on to the present in those years preceding 2012, looking back from this January 23rd to the last, my twenty third year of existence truly was a golden year.  I had my golden birthday to start it off.  I went through my last semester of undergraduate schooling. I graduated.  My girlfriend and I decided to part ways but still stay friends, something I will always appreciate. I moved back home. Got to work with my dad again in the family business.  I rekindled a friendship with an old friend.  Made a few new ones.  Started going to church again, went bowling on Thursdays and went to church group on Fridays.  I went back to the cabin for the first time in three years.  I told one my best friends in the world that I cared for her more than I had cared for anyone else that I knew - and she told me she thought of me as a friend, but that is perfectly okay and more than I could have ever asked for and I will always view her as one of my best friends; I am blessed to have her in my life. I went to the Minnesota State Fair where my parents and I caught up with some more old friends. I went to my cousins wedding down state. Bought some video equipment while in Minnesota for the holidays.  I was in community chorus.  I was in community theater where I met some AMAZING people. I laughed. I cried. I lived.

Here's to my "Golden Year" - what a year it was - and to the many years to come.  May they be filled with adventure. And may God guide me in my travels and pursuits.  I can't wait to see what's in store for me next.

Your's In Writing

I'd like to thank the Academy

Oh my goodness! Was Halloween really that last time I posted?  That seems like it was more recent than that.  I have been in a play.  That's why I've been away.  I mean it's no excuse.  I should have continued posting anyway.  If I wanted it bad enough, I would have.  I just...ugh. So the play is over now, and you know what?  I'm sad about it.

Li'l Abner.  It's a musical based on the comic strip by Al Capp.  I, like many of my fellow cast members, was more than one role.  I had two: a general citizen of the town known as "Dogpatch" and a "refugee from justice" know as "Evil Eye Fleagle."

I want to write all about this but I've done that in an email to my fellow cast and so I'll share it with you here.  The only thing I'd like to add (and probably reiterate) is that through this experience I've met some of the greatest people I've ever met.

"I'd like to thank the Academy"

Teddy, here :)

Somehow, I miraculously got away without being dragged up to give a speech at the cast party.  And I was initially relieved by this fact.  But as I began to ponder this, I also slightly felt left out, no fault of anyone but myself of course.  I should have leaped and hollered "MY TURN! MY TURN!" But alas, I did not.  Also, I came to the conclusion that I was doing everyone a disservice for not contributing to the consensus that this play that we did, this awesome amazing wonderful beautiful thing, was all of that and more.  In lieu of a spoken speech, I'd like to write to you all.  I'm really better at writing than I am at speaking anyway so I'm actually doing everyone a favor by communicating this way rather than flapping my jaws in front of you all like the blubbering idiot I really am.

Before anything more is said, I want to state that this whole thing really was amazing.  But that word doesn't even do it justice.  It's only a meager attempt at explaining what this experience was.  So I guess there are no words to do it proper justice except to say that it was priceless.

Now, for my tale of how I came to join this merry band of curious characters.  It may not be "exactly accurate" but it's how I remember it.  I was in the Midtown Mall one day with my mother and happened into Book World.  I perused the shelves, for what I don't know (I never do).  I honestly could walk around in there for hours which is impressive given the size of the place.  Anyways. I was perusing the shelves as I was saying, and happened to spot an individual that I vaguely recognized.  I thought for a moment or two and then, with a revelatory yet quizzical tone I said "Tanith?"  We'd met long ago, you see, through a mutual friend. 

So, we rather quickly caught up and then I don't remember exactly how it came up but she told me about this play and how some characters were "missing".  She then spouted off a few names that I don't remember of those missing characters.  She then told me when and where to show up.

And I did.

I met Fred, and John and Julie, and a few others. And re-met some, such as John Wilkinson. I found out about the Halloween fun house, where I met some more interesting individuals. Among others I remember Gage in a Count Chocula suit, Marti as Harry Potter and Fred as, I'm guessing, himself when no one is around to see him dress that way (just kidding Fred).

Somehow, all THAT didn't scare me away.

So I kept coming to rehearsal though I missed some due to Community Chorus. At first, I was really excited to maybe get a medium-big part,  because I had mostly gotten smaller parts in the past.  Except for my senior year of high school where I played Maxwell Smart, Agent 86. 

No matter what part I was given in Li'l Abner, however, I was going to be happy with it as there are truly no small parts.  Everyone's performance is equal in importance. (whoa, I rhymed!)  And besides, I was just happy to be a part of theater again.  It had been TOO long.

"You'll be an extra."  Fred actually said crony or scrag or something but all I heard was "extra."  I was initially sad.  But, but but, I thought to myself. And then I let my ego deflate.  Turns out you can move your head around a lot easier when it isn't the size of a hot air balloon. (an appropriate analogy for more than one reason.

So I settled into the idea of a smaller roll.  Again, I was just excited to be back in theater.

Then there was the next meeting.  At the end of which, I was victim...ahem..."privileged participate" to the infamous "second talk" from Fred.  I don't remember exactly what was said, other than "Can you do a Jersey accent?"  but it was here that I was given the part of Double E F (as John Estes affectionately called me).

Several months later, as Fred counted what gray hair he had left (and discovered that it was grayer than when he started planning for the play), on the weekends of January 11th and 18th, for six nights, we sang and acted our way into 2013.  But more than that, we performed magic.  We took what Fred was going to almost nearly give up on, what people said he couldn't do, and made it shine.  And we couldn't have done it without him.

Over those months, I didn't make acquaintances, I didn't even make friends.  No.  My family grew.  I know this has been said already but I really do love you all.  If anyone of you had been missing, it wouldn't have been the same.  Even the three stooges who I lovingly referred to as "the urchins."  They ate all the snacks and made a taco explode in the lobby, but they, the little siblings of the group, along with the little girls whose names I can't all remember but who were some of the best actors I've ever seen, made it complete. 

Thank you, everyone.  It was an experience that I will always remember.  And before I flood my computer with tears of joy and a fondness that will never go away, I'm going to end this email/speech with two things.  One, is that this isn't "goodbye".  It's "until we meet again" (and the "after after party" as Becky put it.)  The second is a quote by John Estes at the end of the second Saturday night's performance. It was in reference to that particular performance but I believe it is a sentiment that rings true for all of it. The laughs. The late nights. The ups. The downs.  All of it. 

He said this:

"That was a freakin' blast!"